August 06, 2008

I am Pregnant

I have some news to share with you, I am pregnant. I just found out last week. I was a few days late but did not think much of it, thinking maybe my calculations were off. While at the grocery store I dropped a home pregnancy test in the cart. I took the test when I got home. Almost immediately 2 pink lines started to form. OMG! I decided to wait till Chris got home from the office before telling him. He came home and I explained what happened and he said “You are not pregnant.” I showed him the pregnancy test, “Maybe?”

The next day I am not sure what possessed me but I started calling family members, then I got scared and decided I better go to the doctor and make sure the results were correct. My normal GYN does not do babies so they referred me to the Women’s Health center. I gave them a call and the receptionist said they do pregnancy testing from 8-11 & 1-4 every day. If your test comes up negative they will charge you $25 out of pocket and if it is positive they will bill your insurance.

I thought that was kind of rough for anyone that was really trying to get pregnant how they would feel having to shell out the $25 after the bad news. Then I thought of the woman who seriously wanted the test to be negative and how happy she would be to pay the $25 and even offer to pay the next 3 women’s fee.

I headed out to the women’s center that afternoon making sure I had $25 on me. Filled out the form, they called me back I took the test, and then I was sent to wait in the lobby for my results. I had brought a book and I sat there reading the same line over and over again. In the background there was some crappy daytime court show on the TV. Each second I sat there my heart beat louder and louder, I could hardly breathe. They called me to the back my face and neck I am sure was all red so they asked me to sit down. She said “The test was positive you are pregnant”. I exhaled not realizing I was holding my breath. They gave me a due date of April 4th and scheduled my next appointment for when I am 10 weeks along.

I am 36 and Chris is 39. Over the years we have gone back and forth on whether or not to have a child. When I was 30 we actually tried to have a child for a whole year with no results. Then after a long discussion we decided together not to have children. We are selfish people and live for ourselves, and I have always felt that the world was overpopulated and someone has already had my babies twice over. Through out the years in my mind I always go back and forth on the idea, trying to figure out what I really want and if I would regret not having a child. Would I miss out on the greatest love of my life, maybe that is what I was afraid of the pain that comes with such a great love.

When I turned 34 I decided to go off birth control and let nature take its course. If I was meant to have a baby then it would happen. So 2 years later and no baby one starts to think the room their eggs are in is filled with cob webs and no longer sporting pastel pink & blue ribbons, or your husband is not as viable as he thinks. Turns out both parties are in good working order and now we are pregnant.

I am doing well. I am trying not to get too excited about it till I get through my first trimester. I did have a small break down in the shower the other day. First I was thinking I am not alone in here. Then I started thinking about having a baby and how it was a part of me, flesh of my flesh kind of thoughts. Then I started crying uncontrollably. I just let it flow. I was in the shower anyway. My face was a little puffy for awhile but I felt a little relief after releasing some emotion.
I decided to create a separate blog for the baby, that way I can keep this one for the alpacas and what not. That way if you are not into babies you won’t need to suffer through all the cute & fuzzy stuff. I will put this post on there that you just read and then continue to journal my experience.

You can find my baby blog at TOOT SWEET.